


Can't Take That Away

by allysonwonderland



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Gen, M/M, References to slash relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 14:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allysonwonderland/pseuds/allysonwonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After using different variables and coming to different conclusions, the after thoughts of Alchemy have Spencer looking at things a different way. Rated for content, references to slash relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Take That Away

Spencer sat on his couch, alone, staring into nothingness. The silence enveloped the room as Spencer filed away the past case in his memory warehouse. The silence was what killed him.

They had just returned from their recent case in South Dakota and he was feeling a whole lot of everything and nothing at the same time.

He appreciated the way that Rossi believed in everything, especially in him, this past case. He appreciated Rossi for not pushing him away and letting him talk: a talk that he desperately needed, but didn't know how to go about seeking it.

When he fell asleep on the jet home and let the dream make it to the end, he thought it was going to make everything better, or at least help a little. Dancing with Maeve felt like he was really dancing with her, that it was maybe going to help things steadily get better. The way he was sitting here on his couch, he  
knew he missed something in the equation: another missing variable that would've given him the wanted outcome. Spencer couldn't recall what was missing, and that's what was the most frustrating.

Automatically Spencer began recalling memories from his past 9 years in the BAU. Memories of Hotch giving him his gun after everything with Dowd. The ride home and Gideon telling him he was proud of him. Then Derek giving him a ride home and preparing him for the shooting review, letting Spencer know if he needed someone to talk to, he could talk to him. Memories of Randall Garner blowing himself up and Spencer being forced back down the hallway, Derek and Hotch flanking him as they quickly got rid of the fire on the back of his legs. Nathan Harris' bleeding wrists came forward and Spencer filed it back away as he recalled Derek making sure both he and Garcia were alright, then giving Spencer a ride home.

He flinched as Tobias Hankel made himself known. Everything before, the middle, and the after. The after hurt a lot, from the healing from the physical wounds, exhaustion from trying to hide the PTSD and the withdrawals. The withdrawals were his lowest point and Spencer knew that. Though with the withdrawals, memories, as if on a strip of film, appeared to Spencer. Derek Morgan walking into his apartment having using the emergency key to find  
Spencer curled up in the bathroom corner, rocking back and forth. Derek staying with him every second until the withdrawals hurt less and were almost gone. Derek driving him to his first meeting. Derek telling him everything would be alright. That he would always be there.

Quickly after those, memories like polaroid snapshots came in succession: Derek listening to him talk about one of his worst memories on the Owen Savage case, followed by Derek finding the case file on Riley Jenkins and staying behind, along with Rossi, to help him figure everything out. Derek's face when Spencer locked the lab door, denying him access. Derek staying at Nichols' house until they had found the cure and were bringing Spencer to  
the hospital. Derek being the first one he saw when he woke up.

Derek was there after his first surgery for the shot he took to his knee. He was also there for the physical therapy and the additional surgeries. Everything after JJ left, after Emily 'died', after she came back. And the conversation they had on the jet coming home from New Mexico, when Derek had admitted they  
hadn't had the chance to talk in a while made Spencer's stomach drop and the guilt came at him full force.

Biting his lip, he made a decision. Standing up, he grabbed his bag, phone and coat, and made his way out the door. Thankfully Derek's place wasn't that far of a walk.

* * *

As Spencer took the turn onto Derek's street, Spencer froze as the memory of what had happened the last time this same walk happened. It was right after the case with Doyle and Emily's return from the dead. He had walked to Derek's house and cried. Over everything. He was confused, hurt, and craving. The craving was the worst and he knew Derek was the only one who could help. And he did. They talked, Derek distracted him. The distraction led to a few things. There was some kissing, there was some cuddling, and there would've been more if both of them hadn't freaked out. Spencer had left as quick as he could. As he went to say goodbye to Derek, the street lights had gone out and Spencer decided he'd better just leave.

There was nothing too awkward between them and they both had acted like nothing had happened.

Then a lot of things happened.

And here he is now.

Taking a deep breath, Spencer continued down the street and stopped at Derek's door, trying to find the courage to knock. He sighed and knocked three times before stepping back from the door slightly.

A few moments later the door opened and a confused Derek looked at Spencer. "What's up, pretty boy?"

Spencer bit his lip and sighed. "I'm sorry if it's late or if you're busy, but I was just wondering if we could talk?"

"Of course," Derek replied without hesitating. Spencer gave him a small smile which Derek returned before walking past him into the house.

"You sure this is okay? I don't want to be a bother," Spencer told him, following Derek to his living room.

They both sat on opposite ends of the couch, turned towards one another. Derek shook his head. "I promise, Reid. You're never a bother," he smiled as he saw the small blush. "Now what do you wanna talk about?"

Spencer licked his lips before he ran a hand through his hair. "Things."

"What sort of things?"

Spencer sighed. "I honestly don't know."

"How about you start with what brought you here tonight?" Derek suggested.

Spencer looked at him and sighed again. "Maeve. I keep having these dreams where we're in a library and she wants me to dance, but then I wake up." Derek could tell by his face that Spencer had more to say and he waited patiently. "I haven't been sleeping because of these dreams. When I see her, I feel the sweetest relief imaginable, but then I remember its not real. Maybe that was my own way of grieving, but I just... I slept on the  
jet home and finally danced with her. And now I just feel confused."

"Confused, how?"

"That I'm stuck in this pathetic depression and I'm sick of it."

"Reid, it's alright to feel that way, everyone's different."

Spencer shook his head and looked towards him. "I can slowly feel myself getting better. I do try to recall our phone conversations and just, I remember them all, but now that I think back on them: it's not as strong of a pull compared to other ones."

"Other what's? Derek asked. He was confused, not entirely sure where Spencer was going with this, but he knew he would be getting to the point eventually.

"I was just recalling a bunch of old memories like they were on a film reel, projecting all the memories that I want to remember to know that there is something more. I loved Maeve, and it's going to be a while to understand everything, but I feel selfish that there was probably always someone else."

"Pretty Boy, you've lost me."

"After Hankel, I remember conversations before when I gave up on me. I remember everything and you can't that away," Spencer explained. He looked over and gave a small smile at the puzzled look on the other man's face. "I was a lost cause, but you helped me. You helped me stay alive. You saved me, and you can't take that away." Spencer confessed, letting the small tears run down his face and wrapping his arms around his stomach.  
"It was always you, Derek."

Derek sat there, speechless for a few moments, trying to process everything. He then looked over at Spencer. "'Pretty Boy, what are you trying to say?"

"I love you," Spencer blurted out and watched Derek's face to await the reaction. To his surprise, Derek's facials were a mixture of calm and surprised.

"I've felt the same for a while, Pretty Boy."

"Really?" Spencer asked, shocked.

Derek smirked and nodded. "Really, kid."

"Am I a horrible person? I mean, I loved Maeve, I really did, I still do. I just know I love you more," Spencer rambled, biting his lip.

Derek moved down the couch and wrapped an arm around Spencer's shoulder, pulling him into his side. "You're not a horrible person. Losing Maeve will always hurt, but she wouldn't want you to be hung up on that. You can still mourn her and what you could've had, but you're allowed to move on."

"Really?" Spencer asked.

"Really."


End file.
